In the last 3 years I have faced a lot of emotion in the wake of childlessness and it's always a challenge of how I deal with it. I go back and forth between genuine trust in God- trust in His timing, in His goodness, in His plan for me, in His love for me- and in the weakness of my own flesh and doubt that creeps in. Has he forgotten me? Did He forget that HE gave me this desire to be a mother? That He created me this way?
I picked back up Angie's book last night and it was divine timing. Now was the time for me to hear the words God spoke to me through Angie's pen. She Wrote:
"I am someone who lives in a constant state of worry about the future, and it is something I have had to commit to the Lord many times a day. I fear that He has somehow forgotten me and that I'm on my own. I take matters into my own hands but He reminds me that He hasn't gone anywhere. There is always a moment in time when I can feel His gentle voice reassuring me, but it's usually hindsight that brings relief instead of trust in the moment. I long to be a woman who walks in the moment God has given me, with full confidence of what's to come. I know it isn't always going to look the way I want it to, but I long to internalize the fact that He is never going to forsake me or take His hands off me."
In March of this year Dave and I went through fertility treatment for the second time. The first ended in heartbreak and I went into this one with my guard up. Although we felt God leading us to the decision to try again I couldn't help but try (the best you can in this situation) to guard my heart. I told myself the realities of treatment, read the statistics to keep myself honest, and relived the pain of "last time" because it just happens...it's my reality and so my mind goes there. When you have heard nothing but "No" it is so difficult to even dream of the miracle of a "Yes!" That is Satan's way of bringing fear and doubt in.
I relish the moments of trust in God's timing and then falter and feel genuine sadness at what's taking so long! I watch as my best friends (who all have children the same age) have play dates, swim parties, take pictures of their kids eating Popsicles together, take kids cooking classes together, and enjoy the joy and gift of having their kids grow up together and be friends. I find myself on the outside looking in and Satan has been grabbing hold. He tells me how sad it is that I'm missing out. He tells me that I may never get that. He tells me that they are having so much fun and their kids will be best friends and if and when I have kids, I will be doing it alone. He tells me my friendships have changed because they have families to care for. He makes me feel so sorry for myself.
I am being really honest here. I don't talk about this with many (or anyone) and I am now laying it out on the interwebs in an effort to be honest and reclaim my hope. I don't want to sound hopeless. I don't want to sound sad. I don't want to sound bitter. I do have hope. I know God has His very best in mind for me and I know that as Angie so eloquently said, "it's usually hindsight that brings relief."
My goal is to live out the second part of her statement, "I long to be a woman who walks in the moment God has given me, with full confidence of what's to come."
I don't know what God has planned for me. I hope it includes a family... but it may not. And I want to truly be alive and happy in this moment. In the one that finds me going on walks with Dave on nice nights, spending a week in California with my mom, Nana and brother, and enjoying the goodness that God has for us at this point in our lives. Sometimes I want to read the end of the book but I have to remind myself that all of the good details, all of the background story and all of the character development is right there in the middle. I don't want to miss the present being so concerned with the future.