Thursday, August 9, 2012

They That Sow in Tears Shall Reap in JOY!

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goes forth and weeps, bearing precious seed shall come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." ~ Psalm 126:5-6

I found myself in an impenetrable funk over the last couple of months. I vacationed with my mom and Nana, I vacationed with Dave and with my mom and dad, I spent time with dear friends, yet I still cried myself to sleep. I'm not asking for sympathy I'm just being honest. The vacations were wonderful. They were happy, they were fun, they were full of precious time spent with my family. But they weren't a cure all for the hurt down in my soul.

I have had a really hard time reconciling God's plan and timing for my life with the desires of my heart. My desires for a family, mixed with the heart break of losing my Papa- which has left a deep void- created the perfect storm. The perfect storm of sadness, self pity, anger at God, frustration with His timing, and that resulted in me crying out to him...I literally said the words, "Do you not hear me? Or do you just not care?"

He has been answering me every day since.

That perfect storm hit on a Tuesday. Dave, my dad and my brother were playing golf at Spanish Bay and I was sitting in a golf cart sobbing my eyes out. I got a call from my doctor that I didn't want to hear, my frustration went through the roof and I lost my cool. I had a "terrible-twos" moment where I threw a little hissy fit to God. Thankfully, He is big enough and secure enough to handle it. Thankfully, He sees into the depths of my soul to know my heartbreak and He allowed me a moment of weakness so He could show His strength. And thankfully, He created me, and He knows that I have a few screws loose. He created every bit of this emotion and He rejoices when I can (by His grace) manage to use it for good and He reins me back in when I go rogue.

Not 24 hours after my break down I was spent. I was emotionally, physically, mentally spent. "God, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep 'gearing up' only to be let down. Broken. I feel like this peace, this comfort, this joy, this will to keep trying comes straight from you. But then I am knocked down lower than I thought I could go. How can this continue to be?" And as we took off from California on a 3 hour flight back to Texas I opened my Bible study of James. My intent was to make it through my homework but God's intent was to use my "going through the motions" to create a movement in my heart.

My lesson for the day was directly linked to wisdom. Wisdom that comes from God if we'll just ask. Help that comes from God when we make our requests known. And Psalm 121 was "extra reading" among my study of James. I started reading Psalm 121 (which I have read a million times) but this time was different.

"I lift my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm- He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." ~ Psalm 121

That is what God's word said. But then, ever so gently, God said, "Duh." He continued, "This is what I keep telling you. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. I love you. I want the best for you and I have the very best in store for you. I know my timing seems difficult now but my plan is perfect and it's perfecting." And then, almost audibly He said, "And by the way, I hear you. I always hear you. And I care more than you could ever know. My heart is broken too."

I was crying like a baby. I'm not kidding. Tears flowing so freely because I had been freed. Freed from the torment of my own mind. From the grasp Satan had placed on me in my doubt. That seed of doubt that had caused me to question God's interest in me, concern over my heartache, and general hand in my life and concern of the outcome. And He reclaimed me.

And then...if I'm lyin' I'm dyin'...Dave pointed out the window of the plane...


Y'all literally can't even fathom the tears. I was sobbing, trying to soak in my rainbow, trying to grab my phone to take this picture, and trying to thank God for showing up. You know me and sentiment; we go together like a wink and a smile. This rainbow was just for me. God literally put that rainbow right outside my window at that.very.moment. and said, "I promise." I'm crying now just thinking about it.

I still miss my Papa and our house still has empty rooms. My circumstances haven't changed but my heart has. My joy isn't in my circumstance my joy is in God. The creator of the universe, the lover of my soul, the man with the plan. He has filled me with His joy, with His peace, and with His promise that the one who gives life gives hope. I'm clinging to the promise of Psalm 126:5-6...that "those who sow in tears shall reap in joy...and shall come again with rejoicing".

Someday I'm gonna be rejoicing with my sheaves, y'all! And to God be the glory...He is faithful.

18 comments:

Liz said...

I love you and your heart so much friend. This is a beautiful post. I'm crying right along with you for the sadness and the reassurance and the joy of the Lord. You're wonderful and God is good.

Brandi said...

I'm sorry girl!! I was in your shoes a few years ago. I went through infertility too. One night I had a MAJOR meltdown, I'm talking screaming, crying, throwing things. That night I prayed to God and I gave all my worries to him. I had such a peace in my heart after that. NO JOKE, I found I was preggers a few weeks later. It was a total God thing!! Good luck girl and I'll be praying for you. Oh, now I have 3 kids, it will happen...keep the faith!

Pray~and~Wait said...

Thanks for sharing that. I needed to hear that today. Not ready to let it sink in b/c I'm having a "wallering in self-pity" day, but I will come back and read it again. :) Thank you for speaking truth!!!

keely said...

Amen, sister. Amen.

Katie and Justin Cox said...

Beautifully written! I LOVE your rainbow! It's neat when God splashes his love letter across the sky like that!! :-) Thanks for trusting us with your heart and your letter!

Amber said...

I loved what you wrote! I think we can all relate to a broken heart even if what broke it is not the same. I will be praying for you.

Kristen Riddell said...

That's a delicious little "wink" if I've ever seen one. Love you, Sister :)

katie@tulsadetails said...

My dad passed away 9 years ago this month and after his memorial service there was a double rainbow in the sky. I think it is God's way of telling us though times are tough now, there's still beauty in the world and there will be in our future. You are in my daily prayers!

Samantha said...

what a GREAT post and a GREAT reminder. Love to hear you speak from your heart.

Lauren said...

chills & teary eyes for you my friend...we serve such an awesome God and I'm so thrilled that he showed up just when you needed him to!

Lisa said...

Anxiously awaiting the days when you are crying joyful tears!! Thinking of you.

sem said...

nyc tears a'flowin. i love you, t-rog.

annalee said...

praying mighty prayers for comfort, peace, and tears turned into joy!

Katherine Mendenhall said...

First off, we really missed seeing you this past weekend. Secondly, having completed the James study in the Spring I love hearing the power of His words to you. This entry is proof that you are one wise woman Tiffany. "let endurance...do its complete work" (1:4)

Sara said...

Oh wow, T. This is so powerful. I'm crying just reading it. I feel your pain, your frustration and your desire. You are absolutely amazing. DO YOU HEAR ME? AMAZING!! Love you.

Vanessa said...

I teared up reading this. You are one amazingly strong woman and I admire you. I will continue to lift you up in prayer. <3

Anna Catherine said...

Beautiful. Thank you. Who would have thought God would speak to me through blog posts, but he has been, for a week now. Different ones from different people. All of us having our funk for different reasons, but Him faithfully bringing each of us out through his word, his comfort, and his promises to us. Thanks for sharing.

Jen said...

What an awesome picture! So glad you got your rainbow just when you needed it most! He is faithful indeed!