I am 16 weeks along now, and in these 12 weeks since we found out there have been many wonderful moments. Obviously, there aren't many surprises along this journey. We've been at this for over 3 years now, and we've been really up front with our struggles and no doubt we've been on prayer lists from here to Timbuktu! Close family and friends pretty much knew when we could expect a yes or no and it was a really public let down each time. Our last attempt we ended up flying under the radar. My sister had just gotten married, my Papa had passed away, we were gearing up for my brother's wedding...everyone just had a lot on their plate and we didn't want people (read: my mom :) to worry any more than they have to. This process hasn't just been hard on us, and I know that. Our parents have carried the weight of the world on their shoulders wanting so badly for us to have a family. So, we decided this would just be our little secret.
We had tried for 2 months to begin our treatment and we had set backs on the doctor's end. 1 month they had a 6 week lab closure and then the next month my doctor was going to be on vacation. That's when my attempts at being patient and content and understanding of God's plan really began to feel overwhelming. Some of you may remember this blog post that explained all that came out of that moment of darkness. What came out of that darkness was light. Light from the face of God shining on me. Reminding me I'm not alone, reminding me that He is good, reminding me that the plan is perfect and the timing is perfect. And if you'll recall, there was a rainbow. :) I told y'all how I was sobbing on the plane, fumbling for my camera in my carry-on stuffed below my seat...just marveling at God showing himself right there in that way.
Well, fast forward 8 weeks...we were able to go through out fertility treatment like we had done before and I was in the waiting period. The other times I had gone against my doctor's instructions and I had taken a home pregnancy test before my blood work just so I could attempt to prepare myself for the outcome. On the prior occasions, as with the no less than 70 tests that had gone before it, it was always negative. But on August 25th there was a light pink line. Y'all...there was a line!! In full disclosure, I had a chemical pregnancy after our first treatment. I got the most faint pink line you've ever seen....I held it up to the light, looked at it 100,000 times and I could make out the faintest of faint lines...there was a glimmer of hope. But when my blood work came in it was an agonizing 8 days of maybe but probably not because my numbers were so low. So when I saw that faint pink line...it was darker...it was there....but it was light...I just couldn't let myself fully "go there". I told Dave and of course, our hearts leapt a tiny bit at the possibility, but we just couldn't allow ourselves full acceptance and excitement...it's a complete "guard your heart" situation after years of "no's".
The next day was a Monday. August 26th, 2012. I sat through my work day wondering if there was any way we might really be getting our "yes". We have prayed about this for years...and y'all, we aren't promised a fairy tale ending. God is good no matter the circumstance, no matter if He answers the way we wanted Him to. He is God, not Santa. Praise Him that He sees it all...every one of us, and He weaves every story into perfection. HIS perfection. Not mine. So just because I wanted to have a baby doesn't mean that would be His plan. So I sat there all day wondering if this could possibly be it. I went home that afternoon, it was 5:20 when I was making my way home from work, and I saw the faintest of faintest rainbows. In fact, it was just a tiny tail and I wondered if it was possible that it was a rainbow? There was zero...and I mean zero (It's Texas, people!) chance of rain. Well, I got home, I took that last home test I had in my cabinet and y'all...It was as pink as can be. Clear as day....we were pregnant!!! Dave got home, I couldn't even talk I just showed it to him and smiled and cried! He, in his David Mendenhall- let's gather all the FACTS- let's not be impulsive-way was over the moon but really needed to reserve himself for the actual blood test and doctor's confirmation. Honestly, I get it. This has just been such a process that I always thought it would be fireworks and a parade the moment we heard "yes" but there is a part of you that is like, "Really?? Honestly?? Are you sure??" Because it feels like your heart just can't take another let down.
We sat in shock for about 30 minutes and then I left for Bible study. As I pulled out of our housing addition, there it was! Stretched across the sky as bright as day!